Thursday, 20 December 2007

How to be an Internet Creationist - Top Tips from a Man Who Knows

Inspired by this jolly jape of a post by my local Fundamentalist, I did a bit of digging and came up with this early draft hidden away on his blog;


Here are the top tips (PS before you even start to give your tips you can sneak in a comment that your target is "nasty");

1. You will become a public person

So try to keep your story straight. Of course don't make it obvious you think the world is only 6,000 years old because the bible says so - that's not what I mean by keeping your story straight at all. No I mean you should at least try to be consistent in what you claim.

No don't be forthright with your views about Noah's Flood, dinosaurs on the Ark and Dinosaurs living with man in historical times you fool!

Make as many claims to integrity as you can but, and this is the clever bit; remember that you don't actually need any! Integrity that is.

Be prepared to read and quote password protected forum's, don't worry about that "sin" thing, remember this is all designed to bring those souls in for Jesus after all, so just do it.

Keep your qualifications as anonymous as possible so you can smudge the truth a bit to try to claim more authority for your arguments than you deserve. E.g. Maths is technically a science so if you have a Maths degree just say you have a science degree. After all your blog is supposedly about the teaching of science isn't it?

P.S. if you are found out then just change this quietly to show your actual qualification and hope no one notices.

Following on from this is...

2. Are you ready to become a public person?

Well so what? This tip is really just an excuse to make more accusations of "nastiness" etc.

Are you the sort of person whose conscience may mean that you will have trouble sleeping and develop ulcers because of the strain it'll put you under?

Well you must just sacrifice this to the cause - that Jesus bloke remember!

If the whole premise of your investigation is that the organisation or whatever that you're researching is in fact a nasty piece of work, then it shouldn't be much of a surprise if instead of responding to the message they attack the messenger instead, should it?

(NOTE TO SELF - OH BUGGER I GAVE THE GAME AWAY THERE - THE PURPOSE OF THE INVESTIGATION IS TO FIND OUT THE TRUTH (HE HE) SO I SHOULDN'T REALLY HAVE ADMITTED THAT I HAD ACTUALLY STARTED WITH MY CONCLUSION I.E. IT WAS ACTUALLY MY "PREMISE" - MUST REMEMBER TO DELETE THAT BIT BEFORE I PUBLISH THIS)

3. Do your homework!

This is obviously the cardinal rule of research, of whatever kind. Your opponents might think nothing about making the most bizarre allegations about you and offering no evidence for it. Your credibility, though, depends on doing the opposite. (The Bible also forbids us to spread allegations about others without evidence - Leviticus 19:16). So hack into those private discussion forums and see what you can find!

It is tempting once you get into this kind of thing to have a "them and us" mentality. Don't worry about that - just make it up as you go along. Remember to stick to the premise. (OH DOUBLE BUGGER I DID IT AGAIN)

When people point out mistakes, just ignore them.

Taking quotes out of context is a cracker. The careful use of ellipsis is also very handy.

This is important;

Never, ever address the issues of science. It's the bible versus science so it's not even close. Don't confuse the issue by actually addressing the issue. Ever.

4. Remember that most of your audience is unseen.

And unheard. Especially those who don't agree with you. Remember this is BECAUSE YOU CENSOR YOUR BLOG COMMENTS SO IF THIS IS NOT THE CASE THEN START CENSORING NOW!

If in doubt then castigate yourself - remember to stick to the premise. (TRIPLE BUGGER)

This point leads on to another:

5. Be careful and patient in responding to criticism

What I mean is that you should carefully and patiently ignore any criticism completely. (HE HE)

6. Be careful about what you reveal

Again this isn't really just a tip but an excuse to make up more accusations about the dirty nasty opponents. (HE HE)

7. Record everything!

Nasty, nasty , nasty!

Which leads me on to...

8. Know the law

It's amazing what you can get away with! (HE HE)

9. Don't descend to their level

I think I must have said this a few times already. (DESCEND?ASCEND? I ALWAYS MIX THEM UP) The only way to keep on your own level is to totally ignore anything that anyone says that doesn't agree with you. (but don't forget to censor it!)

And finally, the most obvious one:

10. Make sure your cause is a good one!

Otherwise, all the good and bad advice in the world is just a waste of time!

"For we can do nothing against the truth, but for the truth." - 2 Corinthians 13:8.

In other words if you are not a fundamentalist Christian like me then BURN IN HELL YOU PAGAN MONSTER!

Obviously, in the above I am describing an ideal. How well I met it, I leave others to judge. I hope though that the advice will be useful to someone in some good cause. Take care!

David Givesahanderson

1 comment:

  1. Masterful - and an entertaining read, too. Even more revealing than the original!

    This part of his post is a masterclass in irony: "The powers that humans possess for self-deception are immense. Once someone has committed to something in a public way, it is very hard for them to change course. If their public enterprise is actually founded on deceit and/or wilful self-deception, then you should not be surprised if when you point this out they don't see it. In many ways, you are not writing for them - you are writing for the onlooking world."

    Nothing more needs to be said.

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